In my memoir published this summer I tell the story of my very first job. At 14, I was too young to do the job. It ended with the boss telling me I was the only guy who ever worked for him that he could not teach to do the job. I forgave the man for the way he treated me that summer, but it took a long time over many years with lots of do-overs in my mind.
Ten years after that first job, I was ordained into the ministry. Not long afterward, the elders at my home church invited me to preach one Sunday evening. Though we hadn’t talked for years, my old boss was there. After the service he greeted me with a smile and said, “I never thought you could do it.”
“Well, I guess I did.” I responded. He smiled, patted me on the shoulder and walked out the door. I believe that he met it, but I never saw him again. And though I forgave him, it wasn’t until one Sunday afternoon when I was in my early 30s that I realized that something supernatural had happened. I had preached in a rural Illinois church and driving back to Champaign-Urbana when suddenly began smiling from ear to ear. I thought of the old boss and began asking God to bless him. I had forgiven the man—finally. It felt great. He’s with the Lord now. He needed my forgiveness and love, and I gave it freely—supernaturally!—as I drove through rural Illinois.
Forgiveness is a free gift—a supernatural gift. Reconciliation is different. The old boss and I never reconciled. Reconciliation is earned and is based on a mutual understanding of truth. I love the great New Testament reconciliation passage in II Corinthians 5:16-21. It explains the heart of reconciliation, telling us that we are fully reconciled to our maker and calling us to be agents of reconciliation.
But that raises the questions: “When can I?” … “When should I?” pursue reconciliation. None of us pretends this is easy. That’s why we can avoid it like the plague. It takes courage and intentionality and love and humility. But as we think about it we might do well to remember that this is the day that the Lord has made. (Psalm 118:24). And to ponder the Apostle Paul words “Now is the day of salvation.” (II Corinthians 6:2)
We sure don’t build a bridge by starting in the middle. The builders start with the side they are on. Recently I was counseling a pastor who had been really hurt by his church leaders. He set his jaw and said to me, “Why do I have to be the one who begins the reconciliation process? I didn’t start it.”
I answered, “Because that’s how it works if you want to build a bridge between the two of you. You are in charge of you, not the other guy. You are on your side of the divide. He’s on his side. You have to decide if you’re going to take a step in his direction.”
“I guess so,” he said.
Then I asked, “What step do you want to take?” He sat there quietly before I asked him why he would even want to seek reconciliation in the first place. He answered, “Well, I just think it’s the right thing to do.” I agreed with him and told him that at the core of my story—and his story, too—is the God who made us, and loves us, and who showed his self-sacrificing love to be reconciled to us. That’s where reconciliation begins.
Sadly, in this broken world, there are times when reconciliation cannot happen. Sometimes reconciliation is unsafe or unhealthy. I know of a woman who was repeatedly abused by her husband and it would very unhealthy and unwise to put herself in harm’s way. In the church they attended, the husband actually stood before the congregation, crying and showing remorse for the way he had treated and abused his wife. The church elders then put pressure on the woman to take her back.
Thank goodness, with the help of friends she trusted, she decided attempts at reconciliation would be reckless and way too hasty. In the moment, some people feel truly bad about hurting someone, but their character is such that they are not trustworthy or safe. It would not be wise—nor would it be God’s will—to put themselves in harm’s way again.
Attempts at reconciliation take deep discernment. Some people have done so much damage in life that to attempt to again enter into a relationship with them—to take a risk and give them another opportunity to hurt you—would be neither right nor loving. Of course, every situation is different; thus the great need for wisdom. Sometimes the person with whom we want reconciliation has died or moved away. There are just so many variables. Occasionally you can have partial reconciliation but the relationship never is restored to what it once was. That might be like a couple who experiences a nasty divorce. One of the parties quickly remarries. But the divorced couple have several children and thus agree they will get together with their kids at holidays and be cordial. Sometimes I even hear divorced couples say, “We’re still friends.”
The point is, we are agents of reconciliation and the question is “How might we take one step toward reconciling with someone from whom we are estranged?” Most of us can think of a person in our lives where trust has been damaged. Who might that person be for you? Might there be a small step where you can move toward repairing that relationship? Pray for wisdom and ask for help, remembering the proverb that declares “in many counselors there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 11:14)
Pastor John Ortberg says reconciliation is always messy. We all know that. We live in a hurting world. We inflict hurt and others hurt us. That’s why forgiveness is supernatural. It is an internal process of replacing ill will toward the person who hurt me with good will. “But reconciliation,” says Ortberg, “is between two people—primarily the restoration of trust and relationship that has been damaged.”
Maybe your need is to take a small step toward restoring a relationship where only a little ding occurred, but fragile ego still got hurt. Maybe your chasm is huge—like the man I know who has not seen nor talked with his sister for nearly 10 years.
There’s a story in Philippians chapter 4 where the Apostle Paul encourages the church, really compels the church family, to help two women in the church who can’t seem to get along. That’s how important this business of reconciliation is to the Apostle Paul. (And by the way, Paul doesn’t go on to say, “And also be sure and talk behind the backs of these two women as you push them toward reconciliation, ensuring the whole town understands what a struggle this has been for your church.)
Reconciliation almost never involves a perfect 100 percent agreement on everything. But at least we hope and work towards enough agreement so that trust can be established.
Today we are living in a world that desperately needs reconciliation. You and I are agents of reconciliation. Forgiveness is a free gift—a supernatural act—to which we are called. But reconciliation is earned—two people, two churches, two parties, two countries, stepping toward each other with the mutual understanding of seeking truth.
And boy does our world desperately need it!
“Forgives us our sins, Lord, as we forgive those who have sinned against us.”
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