In my counseling sessions, the conversation often moves toward the connection between our emotional and spiritual lives. The two are linked inseparably. You cannot be spiritually healthy if you are emotionally unhealthy. In fact, it is the central point of my new memoir called “Leaving the Land of Numb—A Journey to Connect My Emotional And Spiritual Lives” (Mountain Ash Press, 2023).
Because I grew up in a home where everyone was just fine and few tears were ever shed, I am now committed to helping people explore the deep connection between their emotional and spiritual lives. Emotionally healthy people who “speak the truth in love,” to use the Apostle Paul’s words, have certain similarities. They learn from their mistakes. They are realistic. They often have clear goals but also know their limits. They practice self-discipline, work to improve their knowledge and are not afraid to take action.
But one attribute eclipses all the others—gratitude. Emotionally healthy people
count their blessings rather than their burdens. They don’t sit around ruminating over what they don’t have, saying, “If I just had more money and lived somewhere else I know I would be happier.” But from time to time they do remember that they are mere mortals, and that every single day is a gift.
I’ve have pondered what it is that makes people happy. Fifteen years ago I read “The How of Happiness” by Sonja Lyubomirsky (Penguin Books, 2007). Lyubomirsky is a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside. She studies happiness in cultures all over the world. She believes that all people have a set point in life, pretty-much given at birth. That set point controls half, maybe even more, of our well-being. An astonishing 50 percent of the differences among people’s happiness can account for our genetically determined set point. Lyubomirsky likens it to how some people don’t have to worry about their weight, while a whole lot of others do. One takeaway hits you right between the eyes. If you are a person with good mental health, be grateful! Not everyone has it.
Add to the 50 percent of your set point another 10 percent attributed to life circumstances—whether we are rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, married or divorced, beautiful or plain. Looking at Lyubomirsky’s pie chart of happiness, even after we take into account our genetically determined personalities and the rich and complex circumstances of our lives, that leaves about 40 percent of our behavior that lies not in changing our genetic makeup or in the normal circumstances of life. That’s huge.
After traveling the world and assessing the level of happiness of people from vastly different cultures, Lyubomirsky found parallels among all happy people. They spend lots of time with their families. They savor life’s pleasures and try to live in the present moment. Regular exercise and a healthy diet is part of their daily habit. They practice acts of kindness, often driven by their practice of religion and spirituality.
But there is another indicator that tops all of those. You guess it—gratitude. No matter the place, the culture, the religion or lack thereof, Lyubomirsky found the happiest people in the world are the most grateful. They report more energy. They show more empathy toward others. They love being with family. They are more forgiving, less materialistic, and, no surprise, they are less likely to be depressed, anxious, lonely, envious or neurotic.
And yet, everyone knows that being grateful is not a simple snap of the fingers. I counsel pastors and spiritual leaders who are grateful for antidepressants that really help them. So yes, of course, we all are way more complex than any of us knows. When I sit back and consider the vast reaches of the cosmos, the incomprehensible forces at work in each person, the numberless stories of each life, the millions of forgotten ancestors who preceded us, and the untold acts of kindness which occur across the globe every day, I can but humble myself and keep silent.
Still, one of my friends keeps a gratitude journal. Part of his early morning routine is reciting Psalm 118 verse one: “Give thanks to the Lord for he is good; his love endures forever.” He then writes five things for which he is grateful.
Here’s my Thanksgiving challenge. Spend time pondering the things this year for which you are deeply grateful. Then think of someone to whom you owe a debt of gratitude and write them a letter. It may be your mom, your dad, a favorite aunt or uncle, an old friend, a former coach, teacher or supervisor. Describe in detail what that person did for you and exactly how it affected your life. If you can, take it to them and read it out loud. Don’t be surprised if you both get emotional. Wouldn’t you love to have someone hug you and say, “Thank you so much. That means the world to me.”
donfollis.com 