People need a listening ear, not advice

Last week at the Vineyard Midwest pastor’s conference near Carlinville, IL, I led a one-day retreat on emotional health for 21 pastors and leaders from Vineyard churches. I said at one point that being truly listened to and truly loved are nearly indistinguishable. I thought about it some more after I got home and wrote a column on listening for my Friday, October 29 religion column that appears in the Champaign-Urbana, IL, News-Gazette .

Here it is:

When someone really listens to me it feels a whole lot like being loved for who I am. There’s nothing like having a person emotionally enter my space and completely listen. Think back to a time someone listened to you with compassion, and you’ll find a fond memory.

But how many people really listen? How many pastors, the profession I’m in, listen? Not that many. The ministry is full of lousy listeners. One pastor I know always asks me how I’m doing. He pats me on the shoulder as he asks, but then he never listens. I could say, “My mother just died,” and he would say what he always says: “That’s great to hear, brother.”

Jill Geisler of the Poynter Institute, a school for professional journalists, wrote recently about lousy listeners. “We shouldn’t assume ‘bad listeners’ are bad people. … They may be unaware that their behaviors are leaving people feeling silenced.”

I confess that my own listening behaviors take some of the forms Geisler mentions:

1. The multi-tasker. Sure I’m listening. While I type. Now what were you saying?
2. The Party animal. Do I have a minute? Of course. Don’t mind the three others people in the office. Go ahead, shoot.
3. The sentence finisher. Stop right there. I know precisely what you’re saying. What did I tell you? I know what’s on your mind.
4. The debater. Whatever you say I challenge. I’m only playing the devil’s advocate. It’s for your good.
5. The Ann Landers. Stop right there. Here’s my advice. All leaders have ready answers. So there, you have my advice. You’re welcome.
6. The great philosopher. Let me tell you what you’re really saying. I don’t need to know your feelings. Why would that be important?
7. The autobiographer. You know, that problem reminds me of when I was a boy. I think you’ll find my experience valuable.
8. The clock watcher. I’m a face watcher. I watch your face and the face of my watch at the same time. I do them both while fidgeting.
9. The speeder. Sorry, could you speak faster. I’m on my way to a meeting. Hey, why don’t you walk with me down the hallway? Better yet, send me an email.
10. The dropper. Thanks so much for sharing your guts with me. I’ll forget to get back with you, leaving you wondering if you have dropped off my radar.

Would you ever consider taking the courageous step of sharing the above list with you spouse or your staff? Or how about giving it to your pastor with the numbers circled that pertain? I’ll leave that up to your judgment.

Here’s a helpful reflective listening exercise that you can try with your spouse, your office staff or your church leaders. You do this in groups of two. Each person gets 7 to 10 minutes to talk about a current struggle. The one speaking speaks in the “I.” The person listening has no agenda. For example, if the speaker says, “I’m very lonely. My sister has moved out of town,” the listener responds by saying, “I hear you say that you’re lonely. Your sister has moved out of town.”

The listener almost parrots back the words of the person speaking. It might feel artificial at first, but it will keep you from judging, interpreting and paraphrasing. The listener can ask the speaker one question. “Is there more?” The person finally concludes by saying, “That’s all for now.” Then you switch. The speaker becomes the listener, and the listener becomes the speaker.

Now get out from behind the desk and set right beside the person who needs a listening ear. If the phone rings, ignore it. Do you realize how important a person feels when they see you ignore the phone and continue focusing on you?

If you feel like you have entered a debate, at least frame questions that are not insulting or that put the other person in a no-win situation. Ask questions, if you must, that allow people to find solutions for themselves.

There are some people that want advice, while others just want to vent. Be careful that your advice doesn’t come off like a directive.

The person you listen to needs to remain the focus of the conversation. Most people don’t need advice. They just need a listener. Those who feel like you’ve truly listened will sing your praises to others, realizing they have experienced genuine love.

Don Follis is a pastor at the Vineyard Church in Urbana, IL. His column appears on Friday. Copyright October 2004 by the Champaign-Urbana News-Gazette, Champaign, IL.